Litany of Regurgitation: October 2011

TV for Wednesday October 19th

SKY Living: 2.00am Hannibal Lecter's Inverse Vectors

In this sit down interview with Sharon Osbourne, fictional serial killer Doctor Hannibal Lecter explains his love for inverse vectors and how they've come to add meaning to his life.

Next week - Michael Barrymore discusses phony hair with Tony Blair.

PICK TV 1.30 AM: Cliff Richard's Quiff Pictures

In this fascinating documentary, Sir Cliff shows us some of his favourite illustrations of haircuts, from his much lauded collection.

Debbie McGee presents.

SPIKE TV 1.00 AM
Umberto Eco's Geckos (SIT COM)

Smart arse writer Umberto Eco owns a performing troupe of Western banded geckos, who seek to concentrate power amongst themselves, much to Umberto's continued chagrin.

This week the geckos launch a coup with the goal of taking over Belfast for themselves. Umberto and his clumsy assistant, Will Self, once again attempt to thwart the geckos' plans, with hilarious consequences!

ESPN 12.30AM James Spader Shames Crusaders

Hollywood actor James Spader seeks out people who are selflessly campaigning for a better world and makes them feel embarrassed and worthless about their work.

Fran Drescher co-presents.

TV For Tuesday October 18th 2011...

Quest TV 11.30 pm: Oz Clarke's Afraid of the Dark

TV chef and bon viveur Oz Clarke visits very dark rooms in famous British buildings.

A live studio audience has to guess the location and there's the prize of a brand new Vauxhall Viva for the winner.

10 PM Sky 3D (New): Brian May's 3D Rays

Queen guitarist Brian May investigates the history of 3D, from the early days of stereoscopic photography to the cutting-edge cameras used by James Cameron in Avatar. (3D TV required)

S4/C 11.00pm: Rick Astley's Vastly Ghastly

Once famous eighties pop icon, Rick Astley,in a classic Morris Marina, travels the highways and byways of old England in search of terrifying experiences involving headless corpses, ghouls, zombies and other supernatural entities. Each week he talks to a special guest about his or her supernatural experiences which they then set to music and perform as a duet.

This week's guest - Ladybird Johnson.

BBC 4 10.30PM:

Gordon Ramsay's Damson Jam Days.

In this weekly live broadcast, top international sweary chef Gordon Ramsay travels by helicopter across the Hebrides, stopping to sample the locals' home made damson jam.

Back in the studio, Heston Blumenthal and Ainsley Harriott entertain the audience with damson jam related challenges. There's a viewer phone-in vote for their favourite bilberry flan.

‎10.00pm CNN: Piers Morgan's Disgusting Organs.

Piers Morgan reviews articles from some of the world's most heinous periodicals and tabloids.
NBC 9.30 PM: Powell Batters Cowell

A live broadcast from Madison Square Garden - General Colin Powell hunts Simon Cowell in an arena Powell has booby trapped with mines, blades, and other top secret military equipment.

Each participant is permitted to wear full kevlar combat dress, apart from Simon Cowell, who is permitted only a pair of boxer shorts.

Labels: tv colin powell simon cowell masturbation wank jism tits lesbians

More TV shows

SyFy 9:00pm: Ewan McGregor's Beggars Legs.

Ewan McGregor travels across Europe in a Sinclair C5 in search of the stoutest pair of hobo pins in the E.U.

This week Ewan and a surprise guest travel from Switzerland to Italy on their quest.

Journalist Max Hastings anchors the show from Pebble Mill, where a live studio audience gets to vote on their favourite pair of tramp's knackered old trainers.

Isla St.Clair sings a bawdy ballad about window dressers.

Cantaloupe Channel, 8.30 pm: Robert Fripp's Nipsy Tricks.

(Week 46)This week King Crimson guitarist Robert shuffles two decks of cards using only his bum muscles and a mirror.

With a special surprise guest.

Filmed in front of a live studio audience in Bournemouth.

Toyah Wilcox-Fripp co-hosts.

A&E 7.PM PST: Nigel Mansell's Candle Sandals

Each week former Formula One driver Nigel Mansell test drives (!) one of his inventions on an unsuspecting member of the Belgian public.

Episode 4: Candle sandals; will Nigel's solution to toe-illumination play well with your average Flemish speaking European, or will something be"lost in translation"?!?

And will Austrian F1 ace Nicki Lauder's powdered chowder upstage the Brummy champion when he least expects it?

A Bad Robot/Dave TV production

DIY Channel, 4.30pm: Harrison Ford Carries Some Boards;
Episode 3 - Pine.

Harrison encounters a Jimmy Clitheroe lookalike and a troupe of traveling tumblers as he carries his boards to Poole, in Dorset.

BBC America 9.00 AM: Richard Hammond's Jam 'n' Gammon.

Diminutive Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond wends his way through the lanes and tracks of middle England in a Goggomobil, with only one of those Russell comedians for company.

To distract himself from a possible murder/suicide, Richard samples the jams, chutneys and marmalades still bought from traditional British supermarkets,as well as tasting thick bacon from the hind leg of the pig. Can Richard find the perfect combination of mass produced condiment or preserve with gammon without resorting to violence upon the person of Russell Comedian?

Episode 3: With two Russells already in hospital, Richard turns to ear plugs and Valium; Keith Chegwin makes a surprise appearance; Delia Smith shows Richard her favourite Asda conserve.

SPEED Channel, 8.30 AM: Pack 'em in With Hakkinen

- Formula One World Champion Mika Hakkinen travels Britain's coastline reminiscing about the great days of end of the pier music hall. He's accompanied by his best friends, Roy Hudd and Patricia Routledge, who serenade the Finnish driving ace as they travel in a rouge 1974 Lotus Eclat.

Along the way the happy trio encounter such celebrities as Ken Dodd, Barry Cryer, and Paul Merton.

Episode 4: This week the trio find themselves in Snetterton, Norfolk in a Deutsche Tourenwagen Masters Mercedes.

Who will throw up first? Patricia doubts there was ever a pier here.

Hilarity ensues.

KWHY 7.15 AM Marilu Henner's Senna Henna Tenners;

Top actress Marilu Henna travels the length and breadth of England trying to pass off forged ten pound notes that have a henna portrait of Ayrton Senna in place of Charles Darwin.

In the first episode, Marilu finds herself in a run down pub in Ashby de la Zouch, where she uses her henna Senna tenners to buy a round of drinks for the two old men and three underaged chavs who constitute the patrons.

Under cover of the weak yellow light and Lowenbrau beer pump illumination, will Marilu succeed in exchanging her faux money for actual goods and/or services?

Regular viewers know she's got a suitcase full of these fakes.

This live broadcast is anchored from Pebble Mill by Bob Wellings and Kieran Prenderville. Sue Lawley holds these crazy characters in check.

Viewers can vote on their favourite fake fiver! (calls cost 15p per minute)

(dubbed into Spanish).

MTV 6.35 AM: Britney Spears' Whitney Fears:

Top female vocalist and raconteur Britney Spears witters on ceaselessly and without end to Ricki Lake about her irrational fear of Whitney Houston.

Produced by Maury Povich.

HUB TV 4.15 AM: Nick Beggs' Smegma Eggs

(no description available. Not recommended for young teens)

Teen Nick 1.30 AM: Simon Cowell's Foul Towels;

celebrity talking head show in which c and d list celebs witter on ceaselessly and without end about Simon Cowell's discarded bath sheets.

Tonight: Snookie, a Kardashian, a Tony Danza reminisce about the odours.

Church TV 12.15 am: JJ Abrams' Cave man Neighbours

- reality TV show in which flavour of the month write/producer JJ Abrams shares a house with some cave men from 20,000 years ago.

A SyCo production.

SPEED Channel, 11.45pm: Alain Prost's Lost With Frost

- French Formula one champion Alain Prost and satirist/journalist Sir David Frost re-enact all six seasons of Lost, including the rubbish final episode.

BET 11:15pm: George Lucas Hoards Mucus;

a mini documentary that explores the chinless billionaire film maker's penchant for collecting large amounts of nasal excretions "just in case". (Mr Lucas' candid disclosures about his unusual hobby may disturb more sensitive viewers).

This is a follow up to last year's George Lucas' Mucus Suitcase.

Home and Garden TV, 10.30pm - Stephen Spielberg's Beer World:

Stephen Spielberg and Shia Labeouf travel the length and breadth of Burbank in search of the world's best beers.

Tonight on TV...

A selection of the best Formula one world champion related television shows on British television tonight (October 17th, 2011)

Tonight on Sky 1:

6.45pm: Damon Hill's Window Sills.

Formula One World Champion Damon Hill travels the length and breadth of Britain in search of the UK's best window sill. The excitement is palpable as Damon and a panel of experts judge some of this island's finest window adjacent shelf-like appendages. In the first instalment, Damon, from the comfort of his first class railway compartment, examines some of the window sills which viewers have brought along, with window sill hobbyists Margot Kidder, Jan Leeming and Noel out of Oasis judging.

Ronan Keating anchors the show in front of a live television audience in Bristol. There's a viewer phone-in vote for best pelmet, and a live performance from Howard Jones.

7:15pm: Nigel Mansell's Ornamental Lentils

Former Formula One and Indycar champ, Nigel Mansell, travels the length and breadth of The Isle of Wight, in an Invacar, talking to senior citizens about their collections of rare and unusual lentils; episode 1 - Stan Millet talks about the lentils he owns which were allegedly presented to Queen Victoria by the Vassalage of Corcupine in 1973.

BBC2: 8:00pm: Jenson Button's Mutton Glutton.

British formula one champion, Jenson Button, wanders the highways and byways of the sleepy English countryside, riding a 1910 butcher's bicycle, towing a trailer full of mature sheep carcasses.

His aim is to find the Briton who can eat the most gamey old sheep meat, and to restore mutton as a family breakfast time staple, as it was in the mid 1980s, before the mutton scandal.

Channel Dave: 9.00 PM: Vettel's Metal Kettle

...in which Formula One double world champion, Sebastian Vettel, visits towns and cities in his native Germany, dragging behind him a large kettle with a heavy metal band within. It's a different band each week, and each band has a connection to the location.

Week 1 - Sebastian Vettel drags hair band Twisted Sister about in his kettle - but what's the connection to Zwinge? Find out in our first episode.

Al-Jazeera: 9.30pm: Michael Schumacher's Poo-Lacquer Cracker Tracker -

in each episode, Michael takes his ornamental cracker tracker (hand lacquered with the finest quality guano) and uses it to track down unusual and rare thin crispy biscuits;

Pilot episode - Michael uses his poo-lacquer cracker tracker to detect Queen Victoria's Imperial Bathroom Crackers, a present from the Gimlet of Prussia in 1873.

Labels: news Bernie Eccleston Michael Schumacher rolf harris susan boyle jeremy vine bob oatmeal Nigel Mansell Alain Prost Sebastian Vettel Red Bull marlboro mclaren mercedes damon hill williams formula 1